I plead guilty your Honour

Isn’t it funny how despite knowing something has happened without you impacting on it in anyway, you can’t help but blame yourself for it? Even if it’s not necessarily a bad thing? Well holy shitballs man, after you have a baby it gets soo much worse. Well it has for me at least.

I have found myself feeling like an absolute monster when it comes to things I do for and to Roobs. Don’t get me wrong, she is thriving but here’s just a couple of things I find myself feeling horrible for:

1. Not being able to breastfeed my child and giving her formula instead
When you’re pregnant and not long after having a baby, medical professionals and other Mums go on about the importance of feeding breastfeeding your sprog. “Breast is best”. If I had a dollar for every time someone said this to me… I wouldn’t be rich but I would be at least $300 richer. And don’t get me wrong; I tried. I ate the “boobie bikkies”, force fed myself anything with fenugreek and even got prescribed medication to try and keep any sort of supply I had. Nothing. Nada.
After 8 long weeks of trying to get what I could, pumping and enduring hours of feeding at a time, I finally gave up. Do you know what that does to a woman? Do you know how terrible I felt for not being able to supply my kid with what is considered “best”? Mum Guilt 1 – Georgia 0.

2. Spending time away from Ruby
I don’t know if anyone feels this but every time I leave Ruby with someone else so that I can go to an appointment or simply go to the shops, I feel like the biggest piece of shit. No matter who it is. Even when I leave her with Tristan or my Mum. It feels as though she’s going to hate me for abandoning her. You know like when you leave dogs it feels like forever for them because they live in dogs years? Sounds stupid I know but I hate leaving her for this reason. The other side to this is feeling bad for leaving someone else to look after her. Like take Mum for example. I went out on Saturday to get my hair done for the first time in a long time (turns out last time I went Ruby was 7 weeks old, she’s now nearly 6 months old) and left her at Mum’s house. Mum went out earlier in the day to get her shopping done so that she could look after Roobs. I finished at the hairdresser like 2 or 3 hours later, then Tristan was getting home from Rockhampton so I said we would meet at home so we only had to take one car to Mum’s. AND THEN I had the audacity to take my old phone case into town to give it to a lady that bought it off me on Facebook, to then drive back to Mum’s finally. I FELT TERRIBLE. I left Ruby there at around midday and didn’t return until 6pm. My poor mother. I know she loves looking after her grand daughter but she needs a life too. So double whammy. I left my kid AND my Mum for hours. Mum guilt strikes again.

3. Being excited to go back to work
Like I’ve said in previous posts, I am not made to stay at home. I don’t thrive at home, I struggle with the quiet and the lack of adult conversation. I love my child more than words can express but I also live to work with other people’s kids. That’s my job and my calling, and I love it. BUT… I feel like the biggest bitch when I get excited about going back to work at the start of the year. Ruby is getting to the fun stage now, she’s rolling around, she’s got SO much character and she’s constantly changing but I can’t help but look forward to Wednesday the 20th of January when I go back to work. Despite the fact that the first 3 days are PD and planning days. While I was still at work before maternity leave, a friend and I were literally told that if we didn’t want to spend every waking hour with our child then we were terrible mothers. Talk about pressure! Don’t get me wrong, I will probably cry when I drop Ruby off (damn Mum feels) but work is where I need to be.

4. Getting ridiculously angry/frustrated with her
I don’t know if it’s just me, or if other woman have had this issue, but I find myself getting crazy, crazy angry and frustrated when Ruby cries. You know when they’re crying, but you’ve fed, changed and played with them but they just continue to cry? A sudden rush of anger surges through my body. I don’t know why and I don’t know what I can do to stop it but it’s hectic.

I have tried to figure out why I have such a crazy reaction to my kid crying/screaming but the only thing I can think of is the lack of control that I have in that situation. I’m a teacher, so I deal with kids that misbehave or lose their shit in my class all the time, but the difference is that I have full control of the situation when it does happen. I like to think I have a fairly level head, but since having Ruby maybe I’m not as cool, calm and collected as I thought. I don’t like being angry so hopefully it’s not something that crosses over to my teaching when we go back. But it does make me feel horrible. I shouldn’t get angry at Ruby. She’s only 6 months old. She doesn’t know any better yet. Poor kid.

5. Not being there for my friends and family like I was before
Unsettled, teething, constipated (Ruby, not me), gross after her needles. All things I’ve had to tell friends and family before cancelling our plans. I know people will say that priorities change when you have a baby but I really like being there for people and hanging out. But sometimes it just isn’t possible when Ruby doesn’t want to play the game. One of my good friend’s had a birthday shindig at hers not that long ago and it was Roobs’ first big gathering of people not at home. The poor kid was sooooo overwhelmed and screamed for the majority of the evening. I felt horrible. I know people understood but there is nothing that kills a party vibe quite like a screaming banshee. We left by 8pm and I still feel bad. Sorry friends! Before the child arrived, I loved a good party or hang out. I still do, they’re just a little different now. Quiet and mostly in front of the tv. You know where to find me.

6. ALL the things I can’t help because of COVID
I know it says it in the title “things I can’t help” but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty about them. The fact that Ruby has not met the majority of her family ABSOLUTELY KILLS me. Both Tristan and I have family in Adelaide. In fact, almost ALL of Tristan’s immediate family is in Adelaide. The only family Ruby has met in Townsville is: my Mum, step-dad, 2 step-sisters (and their kids/husbands) and my Aunty and cousins. That’s it. She hasn’t had the pleasure of meeting Tristan’s parents, both my grandmothers, my Dad, step-mum and brother, Tristan’s Aunty, Uncle and cousins, plus my endless list of cousins and extended family. And that’s just Adelaide. We have family in England, Scotland and Canada too.

AND THEN we have our friends in Adelaide and around the country/world. Honestly it’s crazy how many people aren’t going to meet Ruby until she’s no longer a baby. We’re really hoping that we can get down maybe in April to see the family, but at this stage I’m not holding my breath. Who knows what’s going to happen and when things will head back to normal but hopefully it’s soon. I miss my people.

Being a mother is hard man. 10/10 would recommend though. Just be prepared to feel like a crappy human at least twice a day. The kids definitely make it worth it though. Always.